Burden of the Heart
by Lovebites and Popcorn
Summary: Riku knew more than Roxas ever thought he did. /Post-KH2. Roxas-centric. AkuRoku, SoRiku./


**Burden of the Heart **

_Riku knew more than Roxas ever thought he did. /Post-KH2. Roxas-centric. AkuRoku, SoRiku./_

_**Author's note: **__For those who want to know, this fic was revised thoroughly and then relocated to this account from my old one. If I'm not mistaken, the original was written back in March when I was still relatively new to writing for the Kingdom Hearts fandom. Thus the revision. Also, this was previously known as __**'Changing Places'**__. Contains AkuRoku and minor implications of SoRiku. Basically written because Roxas cannot possibly stay cold and indifferent and bottled up forever, lest he explodes._

* * *

Roxas impassively sat down on a sparse patch of green featherlike grass that swayed from side to side lazily in the light breeze, and mindlessly stared out toward the ocean; watched the waves undulate and recede at their slow and steady pace. There was something surprisingly comforting about the tranquillity of the salty draught of wind and gentle crashing on waves along the shoreline. It was something he had never been fully able to appreciate nor experience in the past—a past that was now a mere echo devoid of evidence to ensure him that it all actually happened.

The boy casually plucked at random strands of grass without really looking at them, occasionally feeling soft sand stirring beneath his fingers. He hummed a vague, dreamy tune _(one he remembered from the days where he used to sit at the foot of Demyx's bed and just listen—__**'andifIcouldonlyseethetruthinyoureyes'**__) _as he continued gazing out at the point where the horizon met the sea with his bright eyes that rivalled the colour of the sky _("Like blue pebbles riddled with holes in the middle, or something," Xigbar once commented)._

His thoughts were scattered, even as he tried hard to focus on one single thing. Instead of everything.

"You know, you're looking unusually miserable and morose for someone who's always so cheerful all the time," came a deep, quiet voice from somewhere behind.

Roxas only managed to recognise the voice a split second after turning around. And he found green eyes looking into his own blue ones. Green eyes that held a look of tender concern. Green eyes that didn't belong to the one person he now sorely wished had been this silver-haired teenager instead.

Green eyes that were the wrong shade altogether anyways.

That was the only thing that held him back from reaching out towards the newcomer imploringly.

Roxas tore his gaze away abruptly and brought a hand up to his hair, combing through it once, feeling unfamiliar tousled brown spikes pass through his fingers. He let loose a heavy sigh. The world was crashing down around him.

"Sora?" Riku murmured again when he received no reply. "What's wrong?"

Roxas stared back into the deep waters. "Sora's asleep," he replied simply, and he was dimly aware that it was his own voice that escaped Sora's chapped lips. It sounded dry and scratchy to his ears, unused for a long while. Then again, maybe his voice always sounded that way.

Riku inhaled abruptly, was quiet for a few moments, then shook his head with a slight sigh. "Did you put him to sleep?" he asked finally.

Roxas bristled, but realised that the older boy wasn't quite accusing him of anything. It was just a harmless question that held no ounce of threat or resentment. Either way, he wasn't sure how to answer, so he hesitated a little.

"No. I just… I just decided to come out on my own and Sora just… let me." His eyes unseeingly trailed after a flock of seagulls flapping off in the distance, skimming just above water's surface, all heading home before the last rays of late afternoon sunshine faded into dusk.

There was another short silence, accompanied only by the serene sound of the rolling waves before them. Roxas briefly wondered whether the silver-haired boy would leave him alone now that he knew he wasn't talking to Sora. Not directly. Roxas never actually had any genuine face-to-face exchanges with his Somebody's green-eyed friend, apart from the previous violent conflicts they had at Memory's Skyscraper.

He was therefore startled when Riku walked up to him in silence and sat down next to him in the grass and sand, looking out to sea just as he was doing.

"Okay, Roxas…" Riku muttered lowly, not taking his eyes off the calm waters. "What's wrong?" he repeated his earlier question, as though it didn't matter that he was talking to someone who looked exactly like his best friend but at the same time was virtually just about a complete stranger.

Roxas looked sideways at Riku for a moment, thoughtfully. It was possibly the only time he'd ever heard the boy say his name as it was. Roxas. He wasn't referred to as 'Sora's Nobody' or 'Sora's Other' or simply 'him'. It was the first time he was just_ Roxas_. It felt oddly pleasing to be acknowledged in such a way. Which was more than he could ever have said about most of his previous acquaintances, who favoured his numbered rank to his actual given name. In fact, the only people who ever really called him _Roxas_ with conviction and something like sincerity was Naminé and… well…

Roxas took in the silver-haired boy sceptically, not understanding why he was being so polite and amiable. Was it just because he _looked_ like Sora? Was it because he was curious?

Or was it because he cared enough to genuinely want to ask?

_("Don't be stupid, Thirteen. No one cares about us. They don't give a shit. And no one sure as hell gives a shit about you.")_

_("Don't listen to her, Roxas. I give a shit.")_

_("He's lying, you know? Everyone's lying to you. Every single one of us. We are incapable of telling the truth.")_

_("No one asked for your opinion, so shut up, bitch.")_

Roxas shunned the echoing voices in his head and figured that he just didn't care either way. He sighed, a finger now absently tracing circles in an uneven spot of pale sand. "What's wrong?" he repeated Riku's words in a whisper, voice taking on a bitter edge. "How can you ask me such a question and expect a simple, honest answer?"

Riku stilled visibly, but still he didn't look at the boy to his left as though deliberately unwilling to catch his gaze. As though he didn't want to see Roxas looking out at him from the eyes of Sora—from the _soul_ of Sora.

"Maybe you _think_ you know what's wrong," Roxas continued, a cynical, doubtful laugh bubbling up in his throat. "Whatever. Either way, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Not anymore." His finger—Sora's finger—stopped moving, half buried in the smooth sand. "I'm _stuck_."

_("You've run out of luck, kiddo. Pity. And you were doing so well, too. How about another round? Or do you give up?")_

The waves continued in a steady rhythm even as the silence between them settled once more and dragged on.

Riku spoke up finally, tucking a stray wisp of his silver-white hair behind his ear.

"I can't say I know exactly what's got you so…" his voice trailed away uncertainly, like he was unsure as to which emotion he should peg onto the end of his sentence. Upset? Depressed? Resentful? "Well… but… I can sort of hazard a guess."

Roxas looked away sharply, eyes glaring at the sky gracelessly _(and Lexaeus had always said he never lacked grace. Ever.)_

"_Hazard a guess,_" he imitated coldly, harshly, twisting Riku's words into a snarl. "You can't possibly begin to _understand._"

"You're right," Riku replied, almost instantaneously.

Roxas sat up straighter.

"You're right," Riku said again, this time a little quieter, a little less callused, a little more honest_._

He was trying for empathy.

"I can't even begin to understand what it's like for you. I don't know how you feel. I don't know what you went through. Heck, I hardly even _know_ you."

Roxas fidgeted and bit his bottom lip at that last remark, bit it hard enough to hurt. Hard enough to nearly bleed. But then again, physical hurt was always better than emotional hurt.

_(And Vexen knew how to cut him to the bone with shards of ice and steel.) _

_("No one knows who we are. Psychologically speaking, _we_ don't even know who we are. We are enigmatic, even to ourselves. Do _you_ know who you are, boy?")_

Roxas tasted copper in his mouth.

"But I _do _know enough about you and your life to know that you aren't happy where you are right now."

Sympathy. Roxas didn't need sympathy. He sure as hell didn't need it from Riku. Honestly. Who needed pity from a stranger?

But no, he had _no idea_ how much he craved it; yearned for someone to finally be aware that he was _here_.

Living, breathing, existing, feeling.

_Hurting_.

Something threatened to spill from Roxas' eyes. _Sora's eyes_. It stung and blurred his vision so that everything looked distorted. His jaw started to ache from repressing it, whatever _it_ was, so he clenched his teeth tight.

And then he suddenly remembered a story being told to him about a little boy who cried a million rivers and drowned and died.

_(And then Zexion had slammed the book shut, scoffed at the offending fairytale and said that crying was only for Somebodies. Not them.)_

Riku finally turned his head to regard the person sitting beside him. The person who was not Sora but _was_ Sora. The person who was not Roxas but _was_ Roxas. The person who never had a heart before but had a heart now. And Riku wondered if that heart was hurting badly, aching so much from never experiencing such extreme feelings before. He wondered if Sora felt the pain, too.

Roxas coughed, refusing to let out any show of emotion. But it was hard. So very, very hard. He was no longer a Nobody. He had a heart. He _shared _a heart. It was a new experience. And sometimes it really, really hurt.

_(A shower of rose petals, a mirthless laugh. "Who needs a heart? It would only make us weak and pathetic. We'll feel all sorts of unwanted emotions that would lead us straight to our downfall.")_

"Look at me," Riku commanded softly.

Roxas felt a moment of panic arise deep in his chest. A biting pain that tore him into two pieces, scratched at his insides and pumped through his veins. He couldn't handle looking. Not now. Not when he felt so damn _vulnerable_.

"_Roxas._"

Roxas looked. He really did. He looked and he tried not to think about it—spurned and rejected the pounding wakefulness and recognition swirling around in his head. It was the boy's green eyes and ultimately made him recoil and choke back a sob. Hot tears leaked from his eyes agonisingly and his heart burned.

Riku frowned, reached out and took Roxas'—_Sora's_—hand in his and squeezed it gently. "Cry, Roxas. Just cry. Let it out—whatever it is. You can't go on hiding within Sora forever and bottle everything up. It's not good for you. For both of you." Pause. "Sora feels the hurt too. He feels _your_ hurt. Don't. Don't hurt him, Roxas. Don't hurt Sora."

Roxas looked away blearily, breathing heavily. _He feels your hurt too. Don't hurt Sora. _

"You…" Roxas muttered brokenly, pulling his hand away hastily from Riku's grip, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You don't want Sora to hurt."

_Selfish, Riku. So selfish. _

_("We're all selfish, Number Thirteen." Xaldin's voice had been blasé. "We're all out for our own personal gain. Even though it might seem like we have the same objectives, we're all going different directions.")_

Again, Roxas' shared heart burned. Riku cared more for Sora than he ever cared for Roxas. Even though they were the same person. It didn't matter. Roxas didn't matter. Only Sora mattered. _Selfish, selfish, selfish._ Riku didn't want Sora to hurt.

Roxas' shared heart burned.

Roxas' shared heart yearned.

Roxas didn't know if Sora had anything to do with it.

"That's not it at all. I don't want _either_ of you to hurt," Riku said calmly. "You have feelings too. I _know_ that. And they're _separate_ from Sora's. They're different. Independent on their own."

Roxas hiccoughed, a fresh wave of tears surging and cascading down from his eyes like a dam finally broken. Yes, he had feelings separate from Sora's. Feelings that Sora would never _understand_. But feelings that he would _feel_ regardless of whether he understood or not. Feelings that engulfed him as soon as he merged with Sora and was finally able to understand what they were.

Feelings of loss, of gain…

Of happiness. Of pleasure. Of hatred. Of fear. Of anger. Of the unknown.

_("I love you, Roxas.")_

_("No, you don't.")_

_("It's not a lie.")_

_("Yes, it is. I__'__ve learnt now. Everyone's a liar. Everyone's selfish. Everyone doesn't give a damn. So it's not true.")_

_("I can show you how much I love you, Roxas. I can prove it. Let me prove it to you.")_

"Is it hard? Suddenly having a heart when it was all empty space before?" Riku mused, more to himself than to Roxas. "It must be."

They sat in silence again, and this time it stretched for a long, suspended moment. Eventually, Roxas quietened down and ceased his hushed sobbing altogether. He felt the cool sea breeze playing across his face, leaving translucent tracks of drying, salty tears along his cheekbones.

"Being in Sora's body is painful."

Riku looked startled for a split second, then he nodded understandingly.

"I'm sure he knows that. Just… just don't beat him up about it."

"I'm not," Roxas muttered, "I'm not beating him up about it. I'm… I think I'm grateful that he's sharing his heart with me. Even though I'm not used to it yet and sometimes it… really hurts."

"I think what you're experiencing now is something like grief and sorrow. So I think I know why it hurts. It will go away, I promise. Look past all these negative emotions. I'm pretty sure you'll find something else."

Roxas was quiet and unmoving. He felt his (Sora's) heart thumping steadily in his chest.

_("Rox, say the Superior finally manages to complete Kingdom Hearts, or whatever, and you finally get your heart back. D'you think you'll ever feel love? Towards me?")_

_("… I don't know, Axel._

… _Maybe.")_

The sunlight was starting to fade fast and the wind seemed to be picking up. But somehow, Roxas felt a soft warmth spread through his body.

"Yeah," he agreed with Riku at last, ducking his head. He didn't try to hide it; a rueful but acknowledging smile had found its way to his swollen, red lips. "Yeah, I think I'll be able to find something else."

Riku smiled back and was contemplative for a few moments, discerning the small change in Roxas' eyes. The cerulean had shifted somehow.

"I guess I'm glad we had this conversation," the silver-haired boy said softly after awhile.

Silence greeted him momentarily.

"Um… I think he's gone back to sleep, Ri."

Riku glanced at Sora and shrugged, absently reaching out to grab the brunet's hand a second time.

"I know, Sora. I was just saying it anyway."

* * *

_**Author's note: **__So, if you haven't already realised it, this fic is missing little snippets from Xemnas and Saïx. Ignore that. They had nothing important to add. /LOL_

_Now, sugar-coat your comments and post a review. :)_


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